Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Five Valid Reasons Not to be a Stripper

Maybe I'm the only one who keeps being told that being a stripper would be awesome. If so, feel free to skip this post and waste your time and entertain yourself in some other way.

In almost no particular order:


Because no one ever wants to do that except crazy people. Apparently pole-dancing takes some serious muscle.  And, lets be honest, guys, no one wants to see someone's half-naked flab, especially when they're not at all invested emotionally. Most people don't even want to see clothed flab, barring some terrifying fetishes. Also, apparently being attractively toned and athletic is kind of important in a trade where you sell your body.

Did you know that they offer pole dancing classes at a lot of gyms now? They're largely populated by pathetic, suburban soccer-moms.

2) TAN

For some mysterious reason, those of us the color of a luminescent glass of milk are not the standard for beauty.

Whatever happened to the times when this was the height of health and attractiveness?

And that's the creation of Eve, so so obviously the real standard.

So unless you were aiming for some vampire-fetish or goth strip joint (Do they even have those? I don't think strip clubs follow the rule of internet porn subject matter--If you can conceive of it, it exists somewhere.), you'll have to either sit outside under the sun's fiery rays, get baked under artificial, carcinogenic lamps, or coat your skin in some horrifying shade of oily grossness.


Of all the possible horrible outfits that professions can have, I think strippers got the short end of the stick, which shouldn't be possible given that their whole job is to take clothes off. But seriously, watch any movie, videogame, or tv show in existence and tell me you wouldn't feel like an idiot in that stuff.

Little do I know that they're intentionally awful so that people will gladly take them off when they're at work.


Have you ever heard a stage name that you wouldn't wince at? I can understand not wanting to use your real name for several painfully obvious reasons, but why do half of them sound like sex-obsessed My Little Ponies? Is it so that there's no confusion? "Wait! That sounds like an actual name. Does that mean the clothes stay on??"


Think about this for a minute: strippers get tipped by their adoring and horny audience stereotypically in singles. Not only is that not that much money for a very long time, it's going to add up. Think about the number of  dollars that they get on a regular night. Now imagine trying to wrestle all those ones into a wallet. Just think about that. Lots and lots of single bills.

Someone once told me that nearly every time she gets a dollar, she thinks to herself, "I wonder if this has been in a stripper's g-string."

This is the real reason for this whole post. I was carrying eighteen one dollar bills when I left work tonight, and getting them into my wallet was murder.

And that's really why you should finish high school and learn a real trade.

You know, aside from the part where you voluntarily make yourself a sex-object (and the rest of us by extension, men and women), and the creepers peering at your body.

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