Thursday, January 24, 2013

The Danger of Names

My siblings and I have started to outlaw certain names for any future friends or offspring, because we've noticed something repeatedly happening: specific kinds of people seem to have a lot of the same names. These people have been outlawed in my circle for obvious reasons, and due to the experience and input of several very intelligent and awesome people.

So, to add to the many edifying and useful things I've shared to educate the world at large, I present the names to avoid:

1. Chris
Chrises are almost universally douchebags. They start off seeming like cool, likable guys, but the longer you interact with them, the more they need stabbing. Chrises also manifest the douchbaggery in a variety of ways, whether that's arrogance, manipulative or controlling behavior, abuse, attention-whoring, unreliability, obnoxiousness, social-obliviousness or ineptitude, addictions, and/or any combination of the above.
I'm sure we've all known at least one of these. I, personally, have known at least five, and they all have . exhibited at least two or three of these characteristics. Occasionally there will be a Christopher, 'Topher, or other variation of the name that does not follow this, but there are exceptions to every rule.

2. Rachel
The real rule for Rachels is to only have ONE, and only one. Rachels tend to extremes, so they're either fun or miserable. And I say this as a Rachel. They tend to be absolutely crazy, and more than a little bitchy. In small doses, this is generally alright, but if you have more than one Rachel, bad things happen. Both my brothers have dated Rachels (though they insisted on spelling their names wrong, because they're individuals), and they were absolute psychopaths. If you already have a Rachel, don't be greedy. One is more than enough for most stable, intelligent people.

3. Michael
The problem with Michaels is not so much that they suck. It's more a question of quantity, because I love all of my Mikes and Michaels. They're wonderful, clever, little beasties, but I have to give all of them subtitles, because otherwise no one knows which one I mean. I have no doubt that there are also Michaels who suck, but I'm going to ignore that, because if we start taking into account that people are people regardless of their names, this post wouldn't exist, and I'm enjoying myself.

4. Chad
Chads can be a serious problem. Like Chrises, they can be serious douchebags, but this is more due to they're obsession with validation and power. Because under the exterior, Chads tend to be psychos in addition to douches. And if you cross one, you'll find out just how crazy they are. They are somewhat similar to Chrises, and, indeed, many varieties of douchebag, because they seem to be decent human beings at first glace; they can be fun to interact with in small doses, fairly clever, and generally amicable. Until you talk to them more regularly. At that point, you begin to see the crazy and/or irritating attributes start to come out. They also have a tendency to throw tantrums, which can be a serious problem if they are adults, as well as some mysterious ability to keep appearing after you thought they had disappeared.

5. Alicia/Alisha
Alicias can have numerous spellings and nicknames, which can make them hard to spot, and this camouflage is part of their danger. Alicias are bad news. Always. They usually seem relatively harmless, but prolonged exposure tends to result in poison of some kind. It's usually disguised under a somewhat unassuming, fairly sweet exterior and wrapped in an inferiority complex, and they often paint themselves as the wounded party. I've seen it several times, and Alishas rarely find themselves at fault, regardless of the kind of damage they cause.

6. Aaron
Beware of Aarons. Once acquired, they stick like a needy octopus, or the unwanted gum on the bottom of tables. These are also usually small-dose people, because a little Aaron goes a long way. Part of it is their lack of social awareness, and part of it is their frequent appearance. Approach with caution, because they leave chaos and destruction behind them.

7. Sarah
To be quite honest, Sarahs don't necessarily belong on this list, but I hate drama, and Sarahs tend to be hardcore drama queens. If they're not yelling, or crying, they're probably on the other end of the bipolar cycle, or unconscious.

Feel free to add any names you feel should be on the list with explanations or input. Also, expect this list to be updated at some point. It's not really finished, but it's been sitting in my drafts long enough that I'm just posting it.

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