My Day, or Five Reasons to Become a Mechanic

Hello, audience. Believe it, or not, I've actually started several posts that kind of miscarried and never made it to finished and posted. Maybe someday they'll see the light of day, but today, I decided to share some thoughts stemming from my day.

In addition to getting up and working eight hours before noon, I got to take my car to the mechanic for some routine maintenance before I take a road trip next week. Isn't that just the best? Is there anything better than taking your car to a dubious stranger so that they can demand obscene amounts of money? It's probably my favorite thing.

I came to the conclusion today that I should become a mechanic. Screw my artistic aspirations and the apprenticeship I'm pursuing. Tattoos are clearly the wrong business, and here are five reasons why.

1. Appearing competent
When you work in a field like auto-repair, you have the comforting knowledge that 90% of your customers are completely ignorant. You tell them that a mischievous gnome has ripped holes in their car's mass air intake, and they'll probably nod sagely (so as to avoid looking incompetent or uneducated) and thank you for your attention to detail. And this is without even having to do any actual work to prove your ability. You could probably accomplish the exact same appearance of expertise simply by putting an oil-stained rag in your pocket and speaking authoritatively while standing in the office of a garage.

You can tell he's experienced by the way he's trying to use a wrench 

on a  tire attached to nothing. And he has coveralls!

2. Charging for your presence
The accepted term for this is "labor," but as far as I know these fees require no actual labor. Glancing over a car long enough to say, "Your front tires exploded and the hood is folded in half," counts as an inspection and therefore ground for labor costs. You can spend an hour in the same room as a car and it qualifies as billable time.

3. Innumerable reasons for fees
Cars, as you may or may not ("Meyer may not") know, are a complex, interdependent system, so that one problem may stem from many underlying issues, or the other way around (one underlying issue causing many problems, for those who couldn't quite keep up.), so there are a thousand different things that could be wrong, and each one of them is a reason to charge more. Because time is money. So the more theoretical time you might spend on a thing, or the more complex it is, the more you charge. See how that works? Potential time for a repair + actual amount of time spent on a repair + between two and four times the costs of parts + number of things that could potentially have been wrong = total bill.
So, if, for example, you could have spent eight hours on a repair, and you actually spent three, the part costs fifteen dollars, the problem was loosely connected to the exhaust system, and the moon is waning, you would charge the soul of their firstborn and two months wages. Simple, right?

4. No necessity to do actual work
Especially when you run your own place of business (this isn't limited to mechanics), there are often underlings of a lower pay grade whose sole existence is to perform grunge work, so when one is a mechanic and hired to fix an automobile, one's primary job is to stand in the office and explain to bewildered (soon to be penniless) customers what exactly is wrong with their car, and how that gnome seems to have expanded his activities to the throttle body and the transmission, at which point the appropriate thing to do is show them a neatly outlines list of the things that need/might need/might actually be done in order to correct this problem. Of course, including the expected costs of parts and labor -_-

5. Ensuring future employment
If you recall, as I hope all of you without crippling short term memory loss would, I mentioned in #3 that cars are delicate, interconnected systems that all build on one another to create a two ton metal box for you to give rides to drunken friends, and many, many different things can go wrong within that complex machinery. A common practice that has recently gotten a lot of attention is slightly tweaking a few things in that mess of systems so that cars run less than optimally.

Yes. There are mechanics that break cars so that you have to come back and pay them some more to look at your car and say knowledgeable things.

If you think about it, it's a brilliant way to make money (assuming you don't have any qualms about stealing or ruining people's lives, but, really, who does these days?). What more effective job guarantee could there be? It's like a homicide detective going out and murdering people on the slow weeks.

I feel like there's a show about that...

Anyway, the only conclusion I can come to here is that I should become a mechanic and make money hand over fist. I've done work on my car, and it's pretty easy stuff if you know what to look for.

And that tiny fact-- "as long as you know what to look for"-- is the basis of the entire trade. As long as you know something someone else doesn't, you can make them pay through the nose for that ignorance, right?

Words No One Should Use (Part 2)

Because I am largely a creature of my word, I shall finish my list of annoying words and phrases. Hopefully quickly, so that the posts are in the same month in the drop down menus. It's also going to be quick, because I have other things to do, and I'm in a less ranty frame of mind than last time.

-Pejoratives for race, gender, sexual practices, etc
This is just a common decency thing with me. If you're not a total worthless douchewaffle, you don't decide people are not worthy of respect based on anything other than their character. Treating them like crap because you don't agree with them is totally not okay. You don't get patted on the head for it, but you don't deserve to be lynched either. Using words to demean someone because of their  gender, race, religion, sexual orientation, etc just makes you more of an ass than you're saying they are. Except hipsters. It's okay to hate on them.

-The One
As you may have noticed if you've read basically any of my other posts, I passionately hate romance. When people talk about "The One" in any context other than The Matrix, it basically means you can write them off as a sappy moron and ignore anything else they have to say about people.

-True Love ____
Waits, is whatever, and so on. These phrases just irritate me, because they're not only stupid and/or obvious, they refer to "True Love," another idea I have absolute disdain for, because they mean it in the Disney sense. If we're talking "true" as in real or genuine, I have no issue, but those are far in the minority. People like the idea of having a Destiny, because they're not smart enough or strong enough to take responsibility for their own love life. Or most other things.

-Expecially
This just makes you sound like an illiterate waste of a free education. Can you not read phonetically? Sound it out, you imbeciles.

-Nucular
See above. If you look at a word letter by letter, you can probably say it right, and with simple words like this, there's no excuse.

-Punny
Who even invented this word? Why would people decide it's okay? It's obnoxious. Puns are supposed to be clever, and they're usually more annoying than not. This is some bastard child of "pun" and "funny," but it's totally unnecessary.

-Pointless letter changes to diffuse profanity
Here's a novel thought: Say what you mean! If you're going to use profanity, use it. If you're trying to be sensitive to people who may be too old or too young to hear those words, get a better vocabulary, and use a different word. Everyone knows what you mean, so you may as well have just used the obscenity you had in mind.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 18-21

I seem to be getting progressively worse at this, audience. I started this post the other day, and then somehow it just never happened. I'm gonna finish it now, though, because it's getting ridiculous, and there's only ten more days of this crap.

18. Laughing out loud at something in my head when no one else said anything
This happens fairly often to me. There's generally a lot more going on in my head than there is around me, and some of it can be pretty funny. I'll randomly think things, or remember something funny, and then I'll suddenly realized I've just laughed during silence. It makes one feel somewhat silly, but I feel like if you don't laugh at the things in your head sometimes, you can't have very interesting things going on in there. I'd much rather have the party in my brain.

19. Skipping, twirling, jumping, or dancing while walking somewhere
I don't really have any explanation or expanding to offer with this one. No analysis, or deeper implications. Just happy things that are probably more childish than not.

20. Moshing
For those sad individuals who don't know, moshing is one of the primary activities at any metal show. It's almost universally around the font/center area, and it's beautiful in one of the most violent, chaotic ways possible. There's so much enthusiasm and and animal energy, it's impossible not to be full of adrenaline and exhilarated. Plus, you're at a metal show, which means live music played by some of the most talented badasses ever. There is something both primal and sophisticated about it that fascinates me. And I love thrashing against sweaty strangers to really brutal music. The first time I ever entered a mosh pit, I was like thirteen or fourteen, and I fell in love with it.

21. Well mixed drinks
This is yet another of my fleshy pleasures. Most of the things I enjoy are either very intellectual, or very not. This is one of the not so intellectual ones. It applies to both alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. I just like flavors to be combined well, and for the tastes to interact well. I get kind of annoyed when one flavor overpowers the others. It feels like a total waste to mix them.

You know that part in Ratatouille where the little vermin voiced by that short chubby guy is eating things and there's these Fantasiaesque sparks and splashes of color and accompanying music for each flavor combination? It should always be like that.

And now I have lots of other things to be doing, so this post shall end here and be short. Hopefully I'll get back on track over spring break this next week.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 15-17

I'm not gonna lie, theoretical readers. I'm really starting to lose motivation on this one. I mean, seriously, no one actually gives a damn about these, and I absolutely suck at doing anything that requires dedication and consistency. You know why? Because they're boring. Once something becomes and obligation, I lose most of my desire to do it. And if I'm not even interested in what I'm doing, why on earth would anyone else be?

But whatever, I suppose. There's only like another week and a half to go, right? Besides, it's not like I've been doing this every day anyway.

15. Rereading books I love

In high school, people would always peer at my books and ask, "You're reading that again?," or "Haven't you read that already?" Especially when it was a book the English classes had done at some point in the past. I always wanted to ask them why they wore clothes more than once, or talked to people they'd already met. Instead, I'd usually just give them a withering look and answer in the affirmative.

Rereading books is not a task for me. It's something I derive genuine pleasure out of, because I invest myself in the stories I read. I grow attached to characters and places and events, and every time I read a book again, especially if it's actual literature, I get more out of it. I do more analysis of people and events and underlying themes, and I understand more. Every time I come back to a book, I bring new knowledge and experience with me, and I approach it with a slightly different perspective every time, so I see entirely different aspects in it.

Because, yes, you Philistines, I enjoy analyzing literature. All of you who don't like thinking can go sit in the corner and start another reality tv show.

16. Lightning storms

One of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Have you ever really thought about how cool lightning is? It looks awesome, it has enough power to completely destroy things, it's huge explosions of electrical power...Is there anything not cool about it? I love watching the storms roll in over the summer, tumbling over the mountains and covering the sky. I'll go walk in the rain and watch the lightning explode all over. I enjoy destructive beauty in nature.

17. Driving under trains

There's a few bridges in this city where the overpass is for trains, so all the traffic goes under it, and every so often, I'll be going somewhere, and a train will be crossing when I drive under it, and you really notice the noise and speed of trains when they're right in front, above, or behind you.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 14

Is anyone else kind of starting to lose steam with this? Because I'm starting to feel like I never shut up. How do people deal with posting things online all the time? And habits? How can anyone do things daily that aren't a physical need?

In other news, I got another free coffee today because they took like half an hour to get me mine. The guy made it a large too. I'm liking this whole "regular" thing.

And the irony of that is not lost on me.

On with the list!
14. Witty banter

This ties fairly closely with some of what I said in my last post. I really enjoy good communication, and it can be incredibly fun with the right dynamic. This is another reason I really enjoy intelligent, sarcastic, good-humored people. Me and my friend Chase have some of the driest, most ridiculous conversations ever.

Have you ever watched a decent game of volleyball? Ideally, the ball actually volleys, coming back and forth from both sides fluidly and quickly with different players jumping in and returning it. That's how conversation is supposed to be: fluid, participatory, and entertaining. Hopefully without animosity, but I suppose one can't have everything.

The best group interactions I've had (and when I say "group," I mean between four and ten people, because after that, it's hard to have actual, collective interaction) have been when there's comfortable, intelligent banter that everyone is taking part in.

Even if it's not in a group, one on one banter can be incredibly fun. Though, that's one of the reasons I've ended up in awkward, friend-zoning conversations.

People: amicable, enjoyable, humorous conversation is not always flirting. Flirting is also not always humorous or intelligent. If I had the motivation, I would make a huge Venn Diagram, but right now, my laundry, ferrets, videogames, etc. are more pressing, so you'll just have to imagine it.

I'm open to suggestions, though. I'm probably seeing Taryn on friday, so maybe I'll start one with her. And then bring Christy in, because I like making lists with her.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted, and there's less and less time before I go to work.

Also, I'm missing a figure study club, because it happens exactly during my shift tonight. Such obnoxious luck. I want to draw from models again!

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 13

13. Effectively translating something from thought into a tangible substance

This is one item on my list that I really thought about the phrasing of, because the original thought was about art, and then it expanded. I kept adding "ands" because of the other ways I create. I love to be able to take something in my mind and be able to present it to someone else, who can then understand what was in my head.

It's the joy of communication for me. Two base things that fill me with rapture are understanding and creating, and they're two of the things I seek most to do. There are different forms these take moment to moment, and different ways that I think about them, but when I strip away all the layers, that's what lies at the bottom of most of my frustrations, accomplishments, goals, pleasures, etc. I want to do both of them infinitely.

There is something magic about being able to take a thought or feeling I've had and to turn it into an image that someone else can look at and recognize. I get the same feeling when I look at art, but in reverse; I am communicating with another mind, though, and that amazes me. The same is true when I write something, and it's just perfect. It means what I want it to mean and says what I wanted to say. It happens verbally and visually and musically and in all these other ways that I find completely astonishing.

We can know and communicate with that which makes someone themselves, and we can be known and communicated to in our cores.

Maybe that's not all that "simple" a pleasure when I break it down and really explain it, but if that's too heavy for you, just assume I meant that art makes me happy. Which is true.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 12

As tentatively suggested last night, here I am posting before work at five.

I feel like I should probably be linking to previous posts, or at least to my original list (which I did that one time), but that seems a little pointless when there's a whole post list just to the right anyway.

I also feel the need to apologize for this prompt, because tend to hate when people post random crap on blogs and blog-like things, and I feel like if I were following my blog, I'd see half my posts and go, "you know who cares, Rachel? No one. Do something constructive with your life instead of wasting everyone's time with this crap."

Anyway, thing number 12 off my list!

12. Epic quest music while I run a mundane errand

I can only think of two or three times this has happened specifically.

One: going to Chipotle with Rosalinde while listening to Skyrim music.

Two: going to buy butter so I could make crepes while listening to Amon Amarth.

Three: going to the bank for work while listening to "Into Battle" by Ensiferum.

Based on the amount of Pagan Metal there is on my phone and in my car, I've probably experienced this more times, but those are the ones that stand out. It makes you feel kind of awesome and fairly silly.

Try it sometime. Put on some really badass music next time you go to the grocery store or whatever. You'll see.

And since I feel largely craptacular once more, I'm going to stop typing away, and go do something that will possibly trick my body into not feeling horrible. Or maybe nap some more.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 10 &11

Well I feel somewhat sheepish, my dear, theoretical audience.

They're all staring and judging. Especially that little one.

This is what happens when I feel accomplished about doing something daily once (nevermind the contradiction there) and then get busy. Or do things anyway. I'll try and remember not to gloat next time, so that the universe doesn't have to put me in my place. Again. Some more...

Anyway! Days ten and eleven!

10. Smelling lilacs before I see them

This is obviously kind of a seasonal thing. Since, you know, lilacs only bloom during the summer and stuff...Anyway, I love that smell, and it always makes me really happy to smell blooming flowers before I can actually see the tree, or bush, or whatever. Lilacs in particular are kind of nostalgic for me, because when I was a wee little'un, my siblings, especially my little brother, and I would play on the side of the house right next to our neighbor's lilacs, so the smell was everywhere. That was also the flowers I learned to suck nectar out of. You pull the stem off the bottom, and if you get it right, the stamens come with it, and all that's left is the petals and the nectar. You can also do this with Indian paintbrush.

It grows everywhere here during the summer, and I spend a lot of time running around like a little barefooted heathen child. Good times...

Anyway, lilac is one of my favorite smells, and it has good connotations for me, so I associate it with summer, and long, relaxed walks in the evening or middle of the night, and sitting outside, and just a general sense of comfort and well-being. There's also some enjoyment for me in finding the lilac I'm smelling.

11. Candles everywhere
This one is a much simpler explanation, I think. I just really like candles; I love the soft glow they give, and the gentle warmth, and the smell of matches and burning wicks and wax. I have a whole box of them.

One of my favorite, most restful memories so far is this one time, when I was like fourteen or so, and I lit a bunch of candles and placed them all over my bedroom. It was dark, so the only light was from this multitude of little flames, and I just sat on my floor watching them waver and glow, melting the wax they stood on, and filling up the whole room with this warm, living, yellow glow and the dry smell of fire and paraffin wax...

Of course, it wasn't long until someone barged into my room and broke the spell, but for that short time, I felt very safe, cradled in warmth and light. It was almost womb-like in it's security and comfort, as weird as that no doubt sounds.

So I guess that catches me up again. I'll try and make some time tomorrow before I go to work.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 9

Aaaaaand I'm caught up! I feel accomplished, faceless internet. I hardly ever manage to do things like this properly, and yet here I am, writing on the ninth day about the ninth thing on my list. Woo!

And for those of you with memory like mine, that was:
9. Changing my appearance (hair color/style, piercings, tattoos, etc)

This is a very apt day for this particular item, and I'm kind of pleased with myself, despite planning nothing of the kind.

Change is more or less a necessity for me. I get restless and bored very quickly. This may have something to do with the general lack of stability in most of my life, or it might be the cause of it. Who knows. I embrace change most of the time, though. I view it as an adventure; change is exciting and fun more often than not, so when I come across people who want constant stability and who resist or fear change, I'm kind of at a loss. My man is like that to some degree, and it spawns some very interesting discussions. Yay balance!

Anyway, the reason the timing for this post is so perfect is that I dyed my hair last night. I've just ended what was quite possibly a record for the last three years of having the same hair color and style. I dyed it red in like mid-November, so like three or four months of the same color, and I've been trying to grow it back out, so no new cuts. So I've been kind of excited about that for most of today. It's bleached and black. I would say "blonde," but it transitions from platinum at my roots to a kind of light brown, orangey color at the ends.

But I have this joy from newness. I have two tattoos, five piercings (three if we're counting pairs), and I change my hair around every month or two. I like to alter my appearance to fit my whims, and I like to surprise people with the way I look. Very little consideration goes into these decisions (except tattoos. Those are permanent.), because I tend to be enthusiastic and impulsive, and it makes me happy.

I feel like I probably ought to talk about the ethics of body-modification, and about my own views on it, but Skyrim is waiting for me, and I feel like that deserves it's own post. So I'll post something about that sometime in the indefinite future.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 7 and 8

Sadly, my computer has still insubordinate the last couple days, but I think whatever disagreement Kate was having with Chrome is over now, because things are working much better. She might just have been angry at me for leaving her all alone and shut down for most of the week.

So to continue my list.

(The original post, there's also Days 1-6 in another post)

7. Gummy candy of almost all varieties
This is one of the many things that can make some degree of happy regardless of what's going on, or how I am emotionally at that moment. I was really obsessed with gummi bears for a long time, and I had a cup full of the really weird ones. If I had resin, I probably would have made jewelry with them. I'm not sure if it's the colors, flavors, or texture, or some combination of all of them that makes them so much fun to eat, but they're basically awesome. It could also just be that I'm a slight sugar-fiend sometimes.

I got really excited about the Paradise Mango Pepsi Next because it totally tasted like peach rings.

8. New shoes
I have upwards of twenty pairs of shoes, audience, and most of them are boots. Maybe someday I'll share a photo montage of my wonderful shoes, as many of them are quite fabulous, but you'll just have to take my word for it for now. The trouble is that I love getting new shoes. I get excited like a small child every time I wear them until they become mundane and common to me, and even then, I sometimes get joyously happy about wearing them. Like my Iron Man shoes, or my green boots, or my red, witch shoes...

I may have a problem...

Anyway! I think there's a song somewhere about new shoes, and how they basically make the entire world awesome for a day. As soon as I have a chance to show someone, I get excited all over again.

And now my empty belly says it's breakfast time, so I shall end this post and go forage.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 1-6

So, as predicted, I might have missed a few days starting this. My defense, probable audience, is that I was out of town helping my sister move, and we had no internet until monday night, and we were busy hanging out.

So! My random, happy-inducing things:

1. Power Metal
I like many varieties of that genre of music, but power metal pretty much never fails to make me smile. It's partly due to the sheer silliness of it sometimes, but also because it has an insane lot of energy and, gasp, power. The wails that I associate most heavily with it are almost otherworldly, like some awesome, hardcore bird-demon-creature, except for all the hair, and the fact that it's tied inextricably to the same era as glam rock.

2. Little boys (under five years old) in suits, vests, sweater vests, ties, or any other classy apparel
This is partly due to how ridiculous and incongruous little boys always look in formal attire. I find it unavoidably cute. This may also have to do with the fact that I always appreciate a well-dressed man, but, really, who doesn't? My sons will always look classy and adorable. Because I'm going to have sons, and there will be battles and shenanigans, and we'll be Vikings together.

Heck yes.

3. Bubbles

I defy anyone to tell me bubbles aren't awesome. They're one of the simplest things that can turn everyone into a child. They float away in these clouds of little bubbles, shining iridescent and reflective, and then land on the ground and hesitate for a moment before popping. And when they pop, it isn't like a balloon or a water-droplet. They simply disappear as though they never were, except they leave a little ring of moisture, just in case you weren't sure where they landed. Feeling bubbles pop on your skin is also amazing. It's just the lightest sensation against your arms, face, nose, eyelashes, just a slight brush and then the suggestion of moisture.

Few things are as exciting as batting at bubbles, chasing them until they're all gone, or blowing carefully and gently until you have one as big as your face, full and glistening, wobbling with its own weight, and trying to escape your pathetic bubble-wand.

4. Finding surprise money in my pocket
This is the kind of thing that can make any day awesome, even if it's just a dollar, and you don't actually need it. It's just an exciting moment of discovery. It's like you found buried treasure, or the universe was like, "here, Rachel. Have some money." Nevermind that it's your money to begin with. This the same kind of joy I get from remembering I have pie in the fridge, or a delicious coffee waiting for me.

5. Looking fabulous
I have news for you, guys: I am very vain, and I enjoy it immensely. Everyone knows the smug pleasure of thinking you look ridiculously good, but I'm talking about specifically looking fabulious.

Dictionary.com defines "fabulous" as
1.      almost impossible to believe; incredible.

2.

Informal. exceptionally good or unusual; marvelous; superb: a fabulous bargain; a fabulous new house.

3.

told about in fables; purely imaginary: the fabulous exploits of Hercules.

4.

known about only through myths or legends.

I mean something between the first two definitions. I have a slight penchant for somewhat loud, slightly outlandish dress and makeup, so when I wear something that looks awesome to me, it's probably slightly absurd, but definitely fabulous in the way that I'm using it. It makes me incredibly happy to look the way I enjoy looking, especially when I'm required by my job to look so hideously boring.

6. Being cooked for
This is a slightly odd one, even for me, but I like to cook for people, and I like to be cooked for. There's a special companionship about making and sharing food, and it can be an indication of effort and care. It's a nice way to be taken care of without being annoying or excessive, and it's not specific thing to anyone.

And now I have lost steam for further writing, so I shall call this the end. Hopefully my computer is behaving better tomorrow.

Why I Hate Traditional Weddings

Let me preface this, dear, theoretical audience, by saying this: I'm all for life-long, monogamous partnerships and all that jazz. I just happen to hate how most people go about the relationships preceding it, and the marriage proceedings themselves. Why you ask? I shall tell you! In my habitual lack of order, here are my reasons:

1. The dress

It is traditional on one's Special Day to wear a highly expensive white dress of one style or another. Does anyone know why that is? Yes! Purity. Because it is traditional for a woman's value to be judged by the state of her hymen. A white dress in western culture is symbolic of a virgin bride (in some other cultures, white is a color of death and mourning. Coincidence? I think not!), so wearing a dress of a more interesting hue can bring on lots of speculation and sideways glances. Someone I once knew was married in a pink (if I remember correctly) dress, just because she had a child out of wedlock. But lets actually think about this for a second: Who actually wants to wear excessive amounts of white clothing? The number is pretty small, boys and girls, and if you don't want to wear a white dress proclaiming your snowy virgin pureness, why should you be expected to? Also, the number of women who are not even a little bit virginal who have worn white wedding dresses is probably staggering. The color of your clothing should have nothing to do with how much sex you've had. Thank you, Hester Prynne!

Someday, I'm going to walk into a bridal shop solely to ask if they have bridal gowns in any other color and watch the response. And then, I'll have an incredibly loud, public breakdown and sob that I don't want to get married after all. Who wants to join me?

2. Family

Hey, everyone I have any kind of blood or legal relationship to, want to join my friends, coworkers, neighbors, church people, and dry-cleaners in watching me and my significant other spend thousands of unnecessary dollars to engage in a joint legal and social contract? :D

Wrong. Half of them aren't going to be able to make it, and most of them won't actually even talk to you at the ceremony/reception. Because there's an obscene number of people who will want to talk to you, or they're there with people they can interact with more easily and comfortably.

That's probably actually why people bring dates to weddings.

3. Being walked down the aisle

This is the same problem I have with veils. It's another archaic and patriarchal tradition. I told my father that if he was going to walk me down the aisle, we'd better have at least a goat and a few chickens in tow. Because what it represents is the bride being "given away," as though she is the property of her father to be transferred to the man who will be her husband. It's an anachronism left over from a time of arranged marriages and bride-prices/dowries. My father huffily explained that it's a symbolic transfer of authority, and that too is unnecessary. If/when I get married, it will be under my own power, and by my own decision. There will be none of this "asking for permission" crap. I am an adult and capable of making my own decisions, and everyone that decides to share their life with someone else should be too.

She cooks and cleans well enough, but her

 hips might be a little narrow for bearing your thirteen sons.

14. Money

What's the deal with this obsession with flushing tons of money down the toilet to have a big to-do rather than using it to start a life? Weddings cost thousands and thousands of dollars, and they don't need to.There's the dress, which is somewhere between a few hundred and a few thousand, the tuxes, the food, the flowers, the venue, the invitations, the photographer, the rings, and so on, and so on. That stuff isn't necessary to get married, or to celebrate it. Do you know what will be at my wedding? Me, my man, rings, a license, and someone to officiate. You're there to bind your fate to someone else's, not to impress everyone else.

Which brings me to another point, which wasn't next, but I'm going to make it number 5 now, because I was about to start that rant anyway.

5. They're treated like a performance

There is very little about weddings that is truly genuine and sincere. Except the silk and the four hundred dollar roses. It's all about everything looking beautiful and perfect, and pretending that it actually is, even though everything on the planet is going wrong at the least convenient times (I've been to way too many weddings, and I've been in two. Trust me). It's like the wedding isn't even about the fact that two people are getting married. It's for the benefit of the people watching the performance, and making it a spectacle for them. Maybe it's just that the bride and groom are needy attention-whores more often than not, but I feel like a wedding should be about the two people saying the damned vows.

6. Success

How often is it even worth it to have a huge wedding? More often than not, you could save that money and then pay for your divorce five years later instead. Doesn't it strike anyone else as totally absurd to have a weddings ceremony, with the expensive dress you'll never wear again, and everyone you know (and probably some people you don't) watching, only to have it end with an expensive divorce? It does quite often, and it strikes me as utterly foolish. Unless it's a full circle thing. "Lets blow lots of money and start this thing publicly, and then end it the same way ten or twelve years down the road! I'm a little shaky on the cake and champagne; is it inappropriate to have a divorce party?"

7. TIME

This is my main complaint during most weddings I'v been to. It does not take that freaking long to promise to be together for the remainder of your lives and such. For some reason, people feel like the middle of a wedding is a great time for a sermon, or an overview of the bride and groom's entire lives, or about eighty hymns, or whatever. Things that don't need to take up my entire afternoon.

8. Expectations

Any time someone announces they're getting married, there's immediately this boatload of expectations about the wedding, the vows, the colors, the bridal party, the guest list, the cake, blah, blah, blah, wedding things, etc. It's stupid. Weddings are like this evil morass of tradition and family demands. I don't know how anyone puts up with it. I can't even tolerate the expectations I have now by virtue of being a twenty-something girl.

9. Weddings are treated as an endpoint

Think about it. Where does every Disney Princess movie end? On the wedding day. Where does every chick flick end? The relationship.

We see marriage as a destination without realizing that it's only a destination in the way that a dock or an airport is; it's a launch point for the next phase of life, an entirely new trip on its own. But we as a culture, end up glorifying the journey to that point rather than actually examining it as another journey. I want there to be a movie about a married couple that isn't stupid comedy, worthless drama, or geared toward old people. Stories don't start or end with a marriage or a wedding. They're important plot point, but not the whole thing.

It takes a brilliant strategist to make one happen, lots of alcohol to get everyone through it, and way more money, conflict, violence, tears, shopping, decision-making, and negotiation than anything smaller than a war should get.

And I probably have a few more reasons lurking in my ranty little brain, but I can't think of any others. I was going to add "Hypocrisy" as the tenth reason, but I realized I would mostly be repeating myself. So look for the things I said that have an undercurrent about the hypocrisy in weddings, and you'll probably get most of what I was going to say in that section.

And now, I declare it the end.

31 Things That Make Me Stupidly Happly

1. Power Metal
2. Little Boys (under five years old) in suits, vests, sweater vests, ties, or any other classy apparel
3. Bubbles
4. Finding surprise money in my pocket
5. Looking fabulous
6. Being cooked for
7. Gummy candy of almost all varieties
8. New shoes
9. Changing my appearance (hair color/style, piercings, tattoos, etc)
10. Smelling lilacs before I see them
11. Candles everywhere
12. Epic quest music while I run a mundane errand
13. Effectively translating something from thought into a tangible substance
14. Witty banter
15. Rereading books I love
16. Lightning storms
17. Driving under trains
18. Laughing out loud at something in my head when no one else said anything
19. Skipping, twirling, jumping, or dancing while walking somewhere
20. Moshing
21. Well mixed drinks
22. Sitting in a ray of sunshine, feeling like a lizard, or a cat.
23. Fluffy skirts
24. Viking metal
25. Babies making outlandish noises
26. Dessert
27. Shouting compliments at strangers
28. Painting
29. Being tired because I've done things
30. Being loud because I feel like it
31. Yummy meats

So there's this writing prompt I found a while ago where you're supposed to write out thirty-one things that give you pleasure, and then you write about each one every day for a month. I was at work tonight, listening to Ensiferum's "Deathbringer from the Sky," and it starts with this super awesome power metal wail, which never fails to make me smile, so I was thinking about that, and then I started making a list in my head, which turned into this post, which made me remember that prompt. So you're welcome for wasting your time for free. But I think I'm gonna have to try doing that for March. That has 31 days, right? So I'll just put up a quick post for each of these, and some of them will probably go together when I forget to do it.

Feel free to ignore everything I say next month.

The end.

The Danger of Names

My siblings and I have started to outlaw certain names for any future friends or offspring, because we've noticed something repeatedly happening: specific kinds of people seem to have a lot of the same names. These people have been outlawed in my circle for obvious reasons, and due to the experience and input of several very intelligent and awesome people.

So, to add to the many edifying and useful things I've shared to educate the world at large, I present the names to avoid:

1. Chris
Chrises are almost universally douchebags. They start off seeming like cool, likable guys, but the longer you interact with them, the more they need stabbing. Chrises also manifest the douchbaggery in a variety of ways, whether that's arrogance, manipulative or controlling behavior, abuse, attention-whoring, unreliability, obnoxiousness, social-obliviousness or ineptitude, addictions, and/or any combination of the above.
I'm sure we've all known at least one of these. I, personally, have known at least five, and they all have . exhibited at least two or three of these characteristics. Occasionally there will be a Christopher, 'Topher, or other variation of the name that does not follow this, but there are exceptions to every rule.

2. Rachel
The real rule for Rachels is to only have ONE, and only one. Rachels tend to extremes, so they're either fun or miserable. And I say this as a Rachel. They tend to be absolutely crazy, and more than a little bitchy. In small doses, this is generally alright, but if you have more than one Rachel, bad things happen. Both my brothers have dated Rachels (though they insisted on spelling their names wrong, because they're individuals), and they were absolute psychopaths. If you already have a Rachel, don't be greedy. One is more than enough for most stable, intelligent people.

3. Michael
The problem with Michaels is not so much that they suck. It's more a question of quantity, because I love all of my Mikes and Michaels. They're wonderful, clever, little beasties, but I have to give all of them subtitles, because otherwise no one knows which one I mean. I have no doubt that there are also Michaels who suck, but I'm going to ignore that, because if we start taking into account that people are people regardless of their names, this post wouldn't exist, and I'm enjoying myself.

4. Chad
Chads can be a serious problem. Like Chrises, they can be serious douchebags, but this is more due to they're obsession with validation and power. Because under the exterior, Chads tend to be psychos in addition to douches. And if you cross one, you'll find out just how crazy they are. They are somewhat similar to Chrises, and, indeed, many varieties of douchebag, because they seem to be decent human beings at first glace; they can be fun to interact with in small doses, fairly clever, and generally amicable. Until you talk to them more regularly. At that point, you begin to see the crazy and/or irritating attributes start to come out. They also have a tendency to throw tantrums, which can be a serious problem if they are adults, as well as some mysterious ability to keep appearing after you thought they had disappeared.

5. Alicia/Alisha
Alicias can have numerous spellings and nicknames, which can make them hard to spot, and this camouflage is part of their danger. Alicias are bad news. Always. They usually seem relatively harmless, but prolonged exposure tends to result in poison of some kind. It's usually disguised under a somewhat unassuming, fairly sweet exterior and wrapped in an inferiority complex, and they often paint themselves as the wounded party. I've seen it several times, and Alishas rarely find themselves at fault, regardless of the kind of damage they cause.

6. Aaron
Beware of Aarons. Once acquired, they stick like a needy octopus, or the unwanted gum on the bottom of tables. These are also usually small-dose people, because a little Aaron goes a long way. Part of it is their lack of social awareness, and part of it is their frequent appearance. Approach with caution, because they leave chaos and destruction behind them.

7. Sarah
To be quite honest, Sarahs don't necessarily belong on this list, but I hate drama, and Sarahs tend to be hardcore drama queens. If they're not yelling, or crying, they're probably on the other end of the bipolar cycle, or unconscious.

Feel free to add any names you feel should be on the list with explanations or input. Also, expect this list to be updated at some point. It's not really finished, but it's been sitting in my drafts long enough that I'm just posting it.

Five Valid Reasons Not to be a Stripper

Maybe I'm the only one who keeps being told that being a stripper would be awesome. If so, feel free to skip this post and waste your time and entertain yourself in some other way.

In almost no particular order:

1) EXERCISE

Because no one ever wants to do that except crazy people. Apparently pole-dancing takes some serious muscle.  And, lets be honest, guys, no one wants to see someone's half-naked flab, especially when they're not at all invested emotionally. Most people don't even want to see clothed flab, barring some terrifying fetishes. Also, apparently being attractively toned and athletic is kind of important in a trade where you sell your body.

Did you know that they offer pole dancing classes at a lot of gyms now? They're largely populated by pathetic, suburban soccer-moms.

2) TAN

For some mysterious reason, those of us the color of a luminescent glass of milk are not the standard for beauty.

Whatever happened to the times when this was the height of health and attractiveness?

And that's the creation of Eve, so so obviously the real standard.

So unless you were aiming for some vampire-fetish or goth strip joint (Do they even have those? I don't think strip clubs follow the rule of internet porn subject matter--If you can conceive of it, it exists somewhere.), you'll have to either sit outside under the sun's fiery rays, get baked under artificial, carcinogenic lamps, or coat your skin in some horrifying shade of oily grossness.

3) OUTFITS

Of all the possible horrible outfits that professions can have, I think strippers got the short end of the stick, which shouldn't be possible given that their whole job is to take clothes off. But seriously, watch any movie, videogame, or tv show in existence and tell me you wouldn't feel like an idiot in that stuff.

Little do I know that they're intentionally awful so that people will gladly take them off when they're at work.

4) STAGE NAMES

Have you ever heard a stage name that you wouldn't wince at? I can understand not wanting to use your real name for several painfully obvious reasons, but why do half of them sound like sex-obsessed My Little Ponies? Is it so that there's no confusion? "Wait! That sounds like an actual name. Does that mean the clothes stay on??"

5)TIPS

Think about this for a minute: strippers get tipped by their adoring and horny audience stereotypically in singles. Not only is that not that much money for a very long time, it's going to add up. Think about the number of  dollars that they get on a regular night. Now imagine trying to wrestle all those ones into a wallet. Just think about that. Lots and lots of single bills.

Someone once told me that nearly every time she gets a dollar, she thinks to herself, "I wonder if this has been in a stripper's g-string."

This is the real reason for this whole post. I was carrying eighteen one dollar bills when I left work tonight, and getting them into my wallet was murder.

And that's really why you should finish high school and learn a real trade.

You know, aside from the part where you voluntarily make yourself a sex-object (and the rest of us by extension, men and women), and the creepers peering at your body.