My Day, or Five Reasons to Become a Mechanic

Hello, audience. Believe it, or not, I've actually started several posts that kind of miscarried and never made it to finished and posted. Maybe someday they'll see the light of day, but today, I decided to share some thoughts stemming from my day.

In addition to getting up and working eight hours before noon, I got to take my car to the mechanic for some routine maintenance before I take a road trip next week. Isn't that just the best? Is there anything better than taking your car to a dubious stranger so that they can demand obscene amounts of money? It's probably my favorite thing.

I came to the conclusion today that I should become a mechanic. Screw my artistic aspirations and the apprenticeship I'm pursuing. Tattoos are clearly the wrong business, and here are five reasons why.

1. Appearing competent
When you work in a field like auto-repair, you have the comforting knowledge that 90% of your customers are completely ignorant. You tell them that a mischievous gnome has ripped holes in their car's mass air intake, and they'll probably nod sagely (so as to avoid looking incompetent or uneducated) and thank you for your attention to detail. And this is without even having to do any actual work to prove your ability. You could probably accomplish the exact same appearance of expertise simply by putting an oil-stained rag in your pocket and speaking authoritatively while standing in the office of a garage.

You can tell he's experienced by the way he's trying to use a wrench 

on a  tire attached to nothing. And he has coveralls!

2. Charging for your presence
The accepted term for this is "labor," but as far as I know these fees require no actual labor. Glancing over a car long enough to say, "Your front tires exploded and the hood is folded in half," counts as an inspection and therefore ground for labor costs. You can spend an hour in the same room as a car and it qualifies as billable time.

3. Innumerable reasons for fees
Cars, as you may or may not ("Meyer may not") know, are a complex, interdependent system, so that one problem may stem from many underlying issues, or the other way around (one underlying issue causing many problems, for those who couldn't quite keep up.), so there are a thousand different things that could be wrong, and each one of them is a reason to charge more. Because time is money. So the more theoretical time you might spend on a thing, or the more complex it is, the more you charge. See how that works? Potential time for a repair + actual amount of time spent on a repair + between two and four times the costs of parts + number of things that could potentially have been wrong = total bill.
So, if, for example, you could have spent eight hours on a repair, and you actually spent three, the part costs fifteen dollars, the problem was loosely connected to the exhaust system, and the moon is waning, you would charge the soul of their firstborn and two months wages. Simple, right?

4. No necessity to do actual work
Especially when you run your own place of business (this isn't limited to mechanics), there are often underlings of a lower pay grade whose sole existence is to perform grunge work, so when one is a mechanic and hired to fix an automobile, one's primary job is to stand in the office and explain to bewildered (soon to be penniless) customers what exactly is wrong with their car, and how that gnome seems to have expanded his activities to the throttle body and the transmission, at which point the appropriate thing to do is show them a neatly outlines list of the things that need/might need/might actually be done in order to correct this problem. Of course, including the expected costs of parts and labor -_-

5. Ensuring future employment
If you recall, as I hope all of you without crippling short term memory loss would, I mentioned in #3 that cars are delicate, interconnected systems that all build on one another to create a two ton metal box for you to give rides to drunken friends, and many, many different things can go wrong within that complex machinery. A common practice that has recently gotten a lot of attention is slightly tweaking a few things in that mess of systems so that cars run less than optimally.

Yes. There are mechanics that break cars so that you have to come back and pay them some more to look at your car and say knowledgeable things.

If you think about it, it's a brilliant way to make money (assuming you don't have any qualms about stealing or ruining people's lives, but, really, who does these days?). What more effective job guarantee could there be? It's like a homicide detective going out and murdering people on the slow weeks.

I feel like there's a show about that...

Anyway, the only conclusion I can come to here is that I should become a mechanic and make money hand over fist. I've done work on my car, and it's pretty easy stuff if you know what to look for.

And that tiny fact-- "as long as you know what to look for"-- is the basis of the entire trade. As long as you know something someone else doesn't, you can make them pay through the nose for that ignorance, right?

The Danger of Names

My siblings and I have started to outlaw certain names for any future friends or offspring, because we've noticed something repeatedly happening: specific kinds of people seem to have a lot of the same names. These people have been outlawed in my circle for obvious reasons, and due to the experience and input of several very intelligent and awesome people.

So, to add to the many edifying and useful things I've shared to educate the world at large, I present the names to avoid:

1. Chris
Chrises are almost universally douchebags. They start off seeming like cool, likable guys, but the longer you interact with them, the more they need stabbing. Chrises also manifest the douchbaggery in a variety of ways, whether that's arrogance, manipulative or controlling behavior, abuse, attention-whoring, unreliability, obnoxiousness, social-obliviousness or ineptitude, addictions, and/or any combination of the above.
I'm sure we've all known at least one of these. I, personally, have known at least five, and they all have . exhibited at least two or three of these characteristics. Occasionally there will be a Christopher, 'Topher, or other variation of the name that does not follow this, but there are exceptions to every rule.

2. Rachel
The real rule for Rachels is to only have ONE, and only one. Rachels tend to extremes, so they're either fun or miserable. And I say this as a Rachel. They tend to be absolutely crazy, and more than a little bitchy. In small doses, this is generally alright, but if you have more than one Rachel, bad things happen. Both my brothers have dated Rachels (though they insisted on spelling their names wrong, because they're individuals), and they were absolute psychopaths. If you already have a Rachel, don't be greedy. One is more than enough for most stable, intelligent people.

3. Michael
The problem with Michaels is not so much that they suck. It's more a question of quantity, because I love all of my Mikes and Michaels. They're wonderful, clever, little beasties, but I have to give all of them subtitles, because otherwise no one knows which one I mean. I have no doubt that there are also Michaels who suck, but I'm going to ignore that, because if we start taking into account that people are people regardless of their names, this post wouldn't exist, and I'm enjoying myself.

4. Chad
Chads can be a serious problem. Like Chrises, they can be serious douchebags, but this is more due to they're obsession with validation and power. Because under the exterior, Chads tend to be psychos in addition to douches. And if you cross one, you'll find out just how crazy they are. They are somewhat similar to Chrises, and, indeed, many varieties of douchebag, because they seem to be decent human beings at first glace; they can be fun to interact with in small doses, fairly clever, and generally amicable. Until you talk to them more regularly. At that point, you begin to see the crazy and/or irritating attributes start to come out. They also have a tendency to throw tantrums, which can be a serious problem if they are adults, as well as some mysterious ability to keep appearing after you thought they had disappeared.

5. Alicia/Alisha
Alicias can have numerous spellings and nicknames, which can make them hard to spot, and this camouflage is part of their danger. Alicias are bad news. Always. They usually seem relatively harmless, but prolonged exposure tends to result in poison of some kind. It's usually disguised under a somewhat unassuming, fairly sweet exterior and wrapped in an inferiority complex, and they often paint themselves as the wounded party. I've seen it several times, and Alishas rarely find themselves at fault, regardless of the kind of damage they cause.

6. Aaron
Beware of Aarons. Once acquired, they stick like a needy octopus, or the unwanted gum on the bottom of tables. These are also usually small-dose people, because a little Aaron goes a long way. Part of it is their lack of social awareness, and part of it is their frequent appearance. Approach with caution, because they leave chaos and destruction behind them.

7. Sarah
To be quite honest, Sarahs don't necessarily belong on this list, but I hate drama, and Sarahs tend to be hardcore drama queens. If they're not yelling, or crying, they're probably on the other end of the bipolar cycle, or unconscious.

Feel free to add any names you feel should be on the list with explanations or input. Also, expect this list to be updated at some point. It's not really finished, but it's been sitting in my drafts long enough that I'm just posting it.