Monday, December 24, 2012

On Christmas Eve

Hello, largely imaginary audience. It's been a while since I bothered to post, and I can tell from the great out cry that you were both very distressed by my silence.

The reason for this hiatus has been this: I didn't feel like writing any blogs.

That being said, I thought I'd take a few minutes out of my very busy Christmas eve (my plans all fell through,  and I now have nothing to do until seven) to you all why I passionately hate this wretched holiday.

In keeping with my similar blogs. I shall do this in list form.

1. Family
Christmas is the time of your all your loved ones get together and pretend all your garbage doesn't count. It's a time of hypocrisy and forced smiles that warms our hearts and induces heavy drinking. Even if you actually do like your family, by the end of your time together you will probably want to stab at least one person. See Imogen Heap's song "Just For Now." (

2. Shopping
Shopping always sucks, but holiday shopping is especially horrific. You get to come face to face with the fact that you will never have the kind of money you'd need to buy everyone the thing you want to, and you also have to sit and contemplate something to give them, and usually you end up searching forever for the right thing, only to not get it for them because it's not there, or way out of your price range, or because someone else got it for them.

3. Presents
I think this is self-explanatory. We are all children, and if everyone agreed that it was the thought that counted, no one would even get presents, but deep down, we all just really want a bunch of cool crap, and it's not likely to happen. Yes, you may love the socks and sweaters and useless things and unreadable books, but they weren't that thing you wanted. And then there's the actual children, demanding, demanding, demanding. Toys, candy, and all other forms of expensive, artificial, annoying fun.

4. The music
There is not enough profanity in the world to describe my hatred for ninety percent of the Christmas music in existence. Yes, I have two or three I can stand to hear once or twice in December, but it's there everywhere you go. Repetitive crap, full of sticky, nauseatingly sweet cheer, without an ounce of meaning or talent behind them, meant to send your children into a holiday frenzy. The religious songs are slightly less aggravating, but after the millionth time you hear them, they start to wear. No amount of covers or new arrangements or variation can make this music less crappy and irritating. The only Christmas songs I've heard this year that had any amount of enjoyment were about the violent destruction of Santa and all that he stands for.

5. The date
Christmas, as so many people stoutly remind us, is a celebration of the birth of Christ. The thing is, Jesus of Nazareth was probably born during the summer. There are a bunch of different speculated dates, but the consensus is that it was nowhere near December 25th. Do you know what is near December 25th? The winter solstice. Do you know why Christ-mass is celebrated so close to a pagan holy day? Because the Catholic church was lazy and controlling. That's why, boys and girls. The pagans wanted to celebrate their holidays even after the "convert or die" speech, so to save time and effort, the Church decided to just combine the celebrations and let everyone pretend they were good Catholics.

6. The reason
Unless you are a Protestant or Catholic Christian, you have no reason to celebrate Christmas. How did this become such a hideously commercialized world-wide thing? It's a religious celebration. Do you also take a week off to celebrate with family for Rammedon and Passover? Not unless you're Muslim or Jewish. Somehow, almost everyone in the country feels the need to join in a holy day for a religion they don't even subscribe to. This is one of my issues with St. Valentine's day as well. Instead of keeping it's religious significance, we have to turn it into a plastic, mass-produced, all-inclusive day that means nothing.

7. Forced fun
If you don't love Christmas, there's something wrong with you. Even The Grinch loved it in the end. Well, you know what? The Grinch was a pussy. He had no resolve, and his reasons for hating Christmas were stupid. "The creepers down in Whoville love Christmas, and they don't like me?? Raaaaah! Christmas sucks!" I don't believe in forcing myself to be happy. I won't fake a smile for a photo if I don't feel like smiling, and I'm not going to spend the month of December pretending that everything is joyous and fuzzy.

And now, I'm tired of writing this crap, so you get an odd numbered, unplanned, unedited, unfinished list.

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