Let Yourself Be Huge

Happy May, everyone. I thought about slinking back into view and apologizing halfheartedly for disappearing, but I apologize for NOTHING!

Half-ass hooray!

Also, April was kind of a stupid month., so I decided it didn't deserve to exist here.

This last week (by which I mean last monday), I climbed the incline with Rosalinde. Also known as The Hell of a Trillian Steps. Basically, I walked up a mountain in eighty degree (Fahrenheit, of course) weather, because for some mysterious reason, we thought this would be a fun way to use my day off. This, for those of you who don't know, is a three mile staircase going straight up into the Rockies. It's one of the ways crazy mountain people like to walk up a 14,000 ft mountain.

I think this is right after the false summit.

Every hundred steps or so (I wasn't counting, because that would be too depressing), we would stop and rest. We'd look down at the steps we'd just come up and the world spreading out down below us. And the thing about seeing that is that you have too be far enough above it, and because I can't just sit on a mountain side and go, "ooh look, I can see Kansas from here," it got me thinking about a lot of things, primarily how huge and how small we are.

Have you ever studied what perspective means in two-dimensional art? I was taught the basics of it in middle school, and I've learned progressively more as I have grown in my art. Basically, what it comes down to is creating the illusion of a three-dimensional space on a two-dimensional surface. Objects that are closer appear larger, and objects that are farther away appear smaller, and things that are really far away, like the horizon line, begin to get blurry. That's called atmospheric perspective.

I started applying this art definition or perspective to life, thinking back over the past, and how events that are close to you can seem earth-shattering, and those that you've moved long past have receded and blurred, becoming less important. Mountains and mole-hills. If things are really big enough, you can see them from miles away, and they'll affect your mental landscape from almost any distance.

I think it can be dangerous to equate proximity and importance. But that's not actually what I meant to talk about in this post, as you may have gathered, its title still being utterly unrelated.

A little more than halfway up, we stopped for a real rest. Not sitting down for two minutes and drinking some water, but a real rest. We found this shady spot off the staircase and laid on the ground for maybe half an hour, watching the sky and talking.

A lot of what we do revolves around talking, even climbing a mountain.

The clouds were practically right on top of us, and we could see the color spectrum flowing over them as they passed near the sun. Thousands of gallons of water floating above us, and reflecting the light spectrum. I spent most of that day in a state of awe and gratitude for the world we live in.

While we were there, this big rock caught my eye. It was a few feet to my right, and I could see lichen growing and ants crawling over it, and it struck me:

Those ants have no idea they're living on a mountain. But how different are we, really? Living in our little piece of here and now, and never suspecting the sheer hugeness of the world. http://xkcd.com/1110/

I think people are afraid of their potential. I'm not really sure why, but for some reason, almost no one seems to genuinely want to attain excellence and hugeness. We become content with being small and insignificant in basically every way, and never reach for anything greater.

This probably sounds contradictory to all my talk of small importances; things don't have to be apocalyptic to matter. That's still true, but I think sometimes it becomes an excuse. Defending one's smallness and weakness and complacency by saying that there are lots of ways to matter. I know that sometimes happens for me when I consider not trying to do the things that I desperately want to do with my life. "Well, there are lots of ways to be happy. Maybe that's not the one I need to be pursuing."

And then I have days like that, where I slap that thought in the face, because it's utter crap.

Let yourself be huge, damn it. The world is huge and awesome and crazy, and it's just waiting to be discovered still. It will always be worth discovering, even with every scrap of the universe measured and documented and claimed. There is always more to do and see and say and learn and be. So why not? I want to do everything and go everywhere and learn as much as there is to learn. Why would I settle for this indefinitely?

I think that's probably the best way to stave off lack of motivation and frustration. If you want more, it's your responsibility to get it.

I know, probably a little heavy for me, but this is what's been in my head of late.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 18-21

I seem to be getting progressively worse at this, audience. I started this post the other day, and then somehow it just never happened. I'm gonna finish it now, though, because it's getting ridiculous, and there's only ten more days of this crap.

18. Laughing out loud at something in my head when no one else said anything
This happens fairly often to me. There's generally a lot more going on in my head than there is around me, and some of it can be pretty funny. I'll randomly think things, or remember something funny, and then I'll suddenly realized I've just laughed during silence. It makes one feel somewhat silly, but I feel like if you don't laugh at the things in your head sometimes, you can't have very interesting things going on in there. I'd much rather have the party in my brain.

19. Skipping, twirling, jumping, or dancing while walking somewhere
I don't really have any explanation or expanding to offer with this one. No analysis, or deeper implications. Just happy things that are probably more childish than not.

20. Moshing
For those sad individuals who don't know, moshing is one of the primary activities at any metal show. It's almost universally around the font/center area, and it's beautiful in one of the most violent, chaotic ways possible. There's so much enthusiasm and and animal energy, it's impossible not to be full of adrenaline and exhilarated. Plus, you're at a metal show, which means live music played by some of the most talented badasses ever. There is something both primal and sophisticated about it that fascinates me. And I love thrashing against sweaty strangers to really brutal music. The first time I ever entered a mosh pit, I was like thirteen or fourteen, and I fell in love with it.

21. Well mixed drinks
This is yet another of my fleshy pleasures. Most of the things I enjoy are either very intellectual, or very not. This is one of the not so intellectual ones. It applies to both alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages. I just like flavors to be combined well, and for the tastes to interact well. I get kind of annoyed when one flavor overpowers the others. It feels like a total waste to mix them.

You know that part in Ratatouille where the little vermin voiced by that short chubby guy is eating things and there's these Fantasiaesque sparks and splashes of color and accompanying music for each flavor combination? It should always be like that.

And now I have lots of other things to be doing, so this post shall end here and be short. Hopefully I'll get back on track over spring break this next week.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 15-17

I'm not gonna lie, theoretical readers. I'm really starting to lose motivation on this one. I mean, seriously, no one actually gives a damn about these, and I absolutely suck at doing anything that requires dedication and consistency. You know why? Because they're boring. Once something becomes and obligation, I lose most of my desire to do it. And if I'm not even interested in what I'm doing, why on earth would anyone else be?

But whatever, I suppose. There's only like another week and a half to go, right? Besides, it's not like I've been doing this every day anyway.

15. Rereading books I love

In high school, people would always peer at my books and ask, "You're reading that again?," or "Haven't you read that already?" Especially when it was a book the English classes had done at some point in the past. I always wanted to ask them why they wore clothes more than once, or talked to people they'd already met. Instead, I'd usually just give them a withering look and answer in the affirmative.

Rereading books is not a task for me. It's something I derive genuine pleasure out of, because I invest myself in the stories I read. I grow attached to characters and places and events, and every time I read a book again, especially if it's actual literature, I get more out of it. I do more analysis of people and events and underlying themes, and I understand more. Every time I come back to a book, I bring new knowledge and experience with me, and I approach it with a slightly different perspective every time, so I see entirely different aspects in it.

Because, yes, you Philistines, I enjoy analyzing literature. All of you who don't like thinking can go sit in the corner and start another reality tv show.

16. Lightning storms

One of the most amazing things I've ever seen. Have you ever really thought about how cool lightning is? It looks awesome, it has enough power to completely destroy things, it's huge explosions of electrical power...Is there anything not cool about it? I love watching the storms roll in over the summer, tumbling over the mountains and covering the sky. I'll go walk in the rain and watch the lightning explode all over. I enjoy destructive beauty in nature.

17. Driving under trains

There's a few bridges in this city where the overpass is for trains, so all the traffic goes under it, and every so often, I'll be going somewhere, and a train will be crossing when I drive under it, and you really notice the noise and speed of trains when they're right in front, above, or behind you.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 14

Is anyone else kind of starting to lose steam with this? Because I'm starting to feel like I never shut up. How do people deal with posting things online all the time? And habits? How can anyone do things daily that aren't a physical need?

In other news, I got another free coffee today because they took like half an hour to get me mine. The guy made it a large too. I'm liking this whole "regular" thing.

And the irony of that is not lost on me.

On with the list!
14. Witty banter

This ties fairly closely with some of what I said in my last post. I really enjoy good communication, and it can be incredibly fun with the right dynamic. This is another reason I really enjoy intelligent, sarcastic, good-humored people. Me and my friend Chase have some of the driest, most ridiculous conversations ever.

Have you ever watched a decent game of volleyball? Ideally, the ball actually volleys, coming back and forth from both sides fluidly and quickly with different players jumping in and returning it. That's how conversation is supposed to be: fluid, participatory, and entertaining. Hopefully without animosity, but I suppose one can't have everything.

The best group interactions I've had (and when I say "group," I mean between four and ten people, because after that, it's hard to have actual, collective interaction) have been when there's comfortable, intelligent banter that everyone is taking part in.

Even if it's not in a group, one on one banter can be incredibly fun. Though, that's one of the reasons I've ended up in awkward, friend-zoning conversations.

People: amicable, enjoyable, humorous conversation is not always flirting. Flirting is also not always humorous or intelligent. If I had the motivation, I would make a huge Venn Diagram, but right now, my laundry, ferrets, videogames, etc. are more pressing, so you'll just have to imagine it.

I'm open to suggestions, though. I'm probably seeing Taryn on friday, so maybe I'll start one with her. And then bring Christy in, because I like making lists with her.

Anyway, I'm getting distracted, and there's less and less time before I go to work.

Also, I'm missing a figure study club, because it happens exactly during my shift tonight. Such obnoxious luck. I want to draw from models again!

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 13

13. Effectively translating something from thought into a tangible substance

This is one item on my list that I really thought about the phrasing of, because the original thought was about art, and then it expanded. I kept adding "ands" because of the other ways I create. I love to be able to take something in my mind and be able to present it to someone else, who can then understand what was in my head.

It's the joy of communication for me. Two base things that fill me with rapture are understanding and creating, and they're two of the things I seek most to do. There are different forms these take moment to moment, and different ways that I think about them, but when I strip away all the layers, that's what lies at the bottom of most of my frustrations, accomplishments, goals, pleasures, etc. I want to do both of them infinitely.

There is something magic about being able to take a thought or feeling I've had and to turn it into an image that someone else can look at and recognize. I get the same feeling when I look at art, but in reverse; I am communicating with another mind, though, and that amazes me. The same is true when I write something, and it's just perfect. It means what I want it to mean and says what I wanted to say. It happens verbally and visually and musically and in all these other ways that I find completely astonishing.

We can know and communicate with that which makes someone themselves, and we can be known and communicated to in our cores.

Maybe that's not all that "simple" a pleasure when I break it down and really explain it, but if that's too heavy for you, just assume I meant that art makes me happy. Which is true.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Day 12

As tentatively suggested last night, here I am posting before work at five.

I feel like I should probably be linking to previous posts, or at least to my original list (which I did that one time), but that seems a little pointless when there's a whole post list just to the right anyway.

I also feel the need to apologize for this prompt, because tend to hate when people post random crap on blogs and blog-like things, and I feel like if I were following my blog, I'd see half my posts and go, "you know who cares, Rachel? No one. Do something constructive with your life instead of wasting everyone's time with this crap."

Anyway, thing number 12 off my list!

12. Epic quest music while I run a mundane errand

I can only think of two or three times this has happened specifically.

One: going to Chipotle with Rosalinde while listening to Skyrim music.

Two: going to buy butter so I could make crepes while listening to Amon Amarth.

Three: going to the bank for work while listening to "Into Battle" by Ensiferum.

Based on the amount of Pagan Metal there is on my phone and in my car, I've probably experienced this more times, but those are the ones that stand out. It makes you feel kind of awesome and fairly silly.

Try it sometime. Put on some really badass music next time you go to the grocery store or whatever. You'll see.

And since I feel largely craptacular once more, I'm going to stop typing away, and go do something that will possibly trick my body into not feeling horrible. Or maybe nap some more.

A Month of Simple Pleasures, Days 10 &11

Well I feel somewhat sheepish, my dear, theoretical audience.

They're all staring and judging. Especially that little one.

This is what happens when I feel accomplished about doing something daily once (nevermind the contradiction there) and then get busy. Or do things anyway. I'll try and remember not to gloat next time, so that the universe doesn't have to put me in my place. Again. Some more...

Anyway! Days ten and eleven!

10. Smelling lilacs before I see them

This is obviously kind of a seasonal thing. Since, you know, lilacs only bloom during the summer and stuff...Anyway, I love that smell, and it always makes me really happy to smell blooming flowers before I can actually see the tree, or bush, or whatever. Lilacs in particular are kind of nostalgic for me, because when I was a wee little'un, my siblings, especially my little brother, and I would play on the side of the house right next to our neighbor's lilacs, so the smell was everywhere. That was also the flowers I learned to suck nectar out of. You pull the stem off the bottom, and if you get it right, the stamens come with it, and all that's left is the petals and the nectar. You can also do this with Indian paintbrush.

It grows everywhere here during the summer, and I spend a lot of time running around like a little barefooted heathen child. Good times...

Anyway, lilac is one of my favorite smells, and it has good connotations for me, so I associate it with summer, and long, relaxed walks in the evening or middle of the night, and sitting outside, and just a general sense of comfort and well-being. There's also some enjoyment for me in finding the lilac I'm smelling.

11. Candles everywhere
This one is a much simpler explanation, I think. I just really like candles; I love the soft glow they give, and the gentle warmth, and the smell of matches and burning wicks and wax. I have a whole box of them.

One of my favorite, most restful memories so far is this one time, when I was like fourteen or so, and I lit a bunch of candles and placed them all over my bedroom. It was dark, so the only light was from this multitude of little flames, and I just sat on my floor watching them waver and glow, melting the wax they stood on, and filling up the whole room with this warm, living, yellow glow and the dry smell of fire and paraffin wax...

Of course, it wasn't long until someone barged into my room and broke the spell, but for that short time, I felt very safe, cradled in warmth and light. It was almost womb-like in it's security and comfort, as weird as that no doubt sounds.

So I guess that catches me up again. I'll try and make some time tomorrow before I go to work.